"This mess in your universe," Ender said. "I guess I feel responsible."

A vague approximation of everything that was going on, but it was as much of a slip as he felt he could allow himself. Maybe more.

He felt the urge to take control of the situation again - felt some control over the situation - and released a breath. "Make me feel better?" he said, lopsided smile and all, purposefully leaving that one open for Ben to interpret whichever way he wanted.

"Didn't stop this," Ender said. He sounded a little out of breath.

Ender whimpered loudly, then dug his nails into his self-control. "We knew something like this would be coming."

Ender didn't answer this time, his hands sliding up along Ben's sides, his fingers clenching onto Ben's back.

"I don't know," he mumbled. He wasn't sure which one of a million things he was talking about.

Ender's eyes flicked up to meet Ben's, and he didn't even have to make them do it.

He took a deep breath and moved his hands further, like a hug except with some air still between them.

The really stupid thing was that if Ben had any idea of what Ender'd been doing today, it would have been easy to get out of this: his people knew the risks, he'd been doing what he needed to do.

With Ben reading his emotions like this, though, and no context he could use to respond, it got rather more complicated.

"Sorry," he said. "This got weird."

Or he could just try to avoid the topic.

"Not by much," Ender said, but something visibly relaxed in his eyes.

He pulled Ben closer and turned it into a proper hug.

Ender felt terribly foolish for a moment - histrionic, over the top. He couldn't deny that it helped, though, Ben's solid warmth against him (and not just that part).

His people were alive. He'd chosen what he'd done. He should recognize that and own it.

Even if he couldn't shake the sensation that this situation was his responsibility. "I love you too," he murmured. "You know that much. I'm just a little wobbly."

"Sometimes even all my planning is for naught," Ender murmured. "I just need to remember that."

He sighed, his fingers settling up on Ben's neck, not quite coaxing him to do more of that but just sort of... there, appreciative.

"Nothing is lost," Ender said, "But this could have gone better." He slid his fingers along Ben's spine next, gently pressing his body against Ben's.

And none of his people had died.

Ender sighed softly. "Could've just gotten her impeached," he said softly. "But I guess that's all water under the bridge now."

He kissed Ben's cheek. "Thanks." With the tone his voice took, it might as well have been 'I love you'.

They hadn't really gotten near the actual issue that had Ender so keyed up, but in a strange, roundabout way, he felt more settled now. The need to be in control had faded.

"Mm, yes," he said quietly, and touched Ben's cheek. "I wasn't lying about you looking nice when you're damp and wearing a towel, though," he added.