Ender laughed. It sounded more surprised than he'd been going for, and he wondered if he was putting up a front and it was slipping.

He moved - and only bunny-slid a little - and pulled off his pants, kicking them to the floor, too.

Then he pushed Ben back to the pillow and kissed him.

"Glad to hear it," Ender said. He chose the constructive option of shutting Ben up by sliding his tongue into Ben's mouth.

He wondered vaguely if he should move Ben's hands, since they seemed to be getting some thoughts of their own - then shook that thought. Since when did he think like that when they were doing this?

Ender sighed, responding by dipping his head back down and biting at Ben's nipple.

He wanted to push Ben down and finish what he started, except he suddenly wasn't sure that was exactly going to make him happy.

Sure, Ender almost said.

"I don't know," he murmured instead. "I've got a lot on my mind." He leaned down and brushed a kiss over Ben's heart.

"This mess in your universe," Ender said. "I guess I feel responsible."

A vague approximation of everything that was going on, but it was as much of a slip as he felt he could allow himself. Maybe more.

He felt the urge to take control of the situation again - felt some control over the situation - and released a breath. "Make me feel better?" he said, lopsided smile and all, purposefully leaving that one open for Ben to interpret whichever way he wanted.

"Didn't stop this," Ender said. He sounded a little out of breath.

Ender whimpered loudly, then dug his nails into his self-control. "We knew something like this would be coming."

Ender didn't answer this time, his hands sliding up along Ben's sides, his fingers clenching onto Ben's back.

"I don't know," he mumbled. He wasn't sure which one of a million things he was talking about.

Ender's eyes flicked up to meet Ben's, and he didn't even have to make them do it.

He took a deep breath and moved his hands further, like a hug except with some air still between them.

The really stupid thing was that if Ben had any idea of what Ender'd been doing today, it would have been easy to get out of this: his people knew the risks, he'd been doing what he needed to do.

With Ben reading his emotions like this, though, and no context he could use to respond, it got rather more complicated.

"Sorry," he said. "This got weird."

Or he could just try to avoid the topic.

"Not by much," Ender said, but something visibly relaxed in his eyes.

He pulled Ben closer and turned it into a proper hug.

Ender felt terribly foolish for a moment - histrionic, over the top. He couldn't deny that it helped, though, Ben's solid warmth against him (and not just that part).

His people were alive. He'd chosen what he'd done. He should recognize that and own it.

Even if he couldn't shake the sensation that this situation was his responsibility. "I love you too," he murmured. "You know that much. I'm just a little wobbly."